What You Will
by ceb
Summary: It's Carby. It's Christmas. Carter returns from Africa (DOESN'T follow on from "Makemba").


SUMMARY: It's Carby, it's Christmas. Carter returns from Africa.

SPOILERS: Season 10- everything that happened in the show up to about #1005 but around that point I branch off into my own little world- so it's the ER you know and love, but Kem? Kem who? J 

DISCLAIMER: Not mine- none of it ::sobs::

FEEDBACK: Would be a wonderful Christmas present!

PLEASE read the Author's note at the end as I can't give many of the thanks and acknowledgements I want to without giving away the plot! Thanks.

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Wearily, I made my way through the arrivals gate at O'Hare. In one way I felt like an age had passed since I last stood in the world's busiest airport, yet in another it didn't seem like five minutes ago. All around me my fellow passengers were running to greet loved ones with open arms. To my left, a mother and daughter were embracing tenderly, tears streaming down their cheeks in synchrony. To my right, two brothers shook hands vigorously before hugging each other tightly and descending into animated chatter. And straight ahead of me a young couple were caressing, engaged in a whispered conversation punctuated by the stroking of cheeks and butterfly kisses.

As for myself, well, there was no-one there to greet me. No, I'd made sure of that a few months before. Sighing, I turned away from the affectionate displays and set off in search of my luggage.

Less than twenty-four hours later I found myself waking up and preparing to take an impromptu shift at County. I'd rung Weaver to inform her of my return before turning in for the night. Big mistake. I was now covering Deb's shift after she'd been struck down with a bout of gastric flu. So instead of projectile vomiting Dr. Chen, the patients would see sleep-deprived, jet-lagged Dr. Carter. Sometimes it's a trade off. I drank a whole pot of coffee, dressed haphazardly and left reluctantly for County.

As I sat on the el train my only thought was of her. Would she be at work? Would I luck out and find this was her day off? And if not, what the hell would I say to her? As I walked across the ambulance bay and through the double doors there was no sign of her. But just as I'd begun to relax, I spotted her. She'd left the lounge and was headed towards the board. And I could pinpoint the exact second that she noticed me. She stopped in her tracks, almost dropping the chart she was carrying. From the look of surprise on her face I knew Kerry had not informed her of my last-minute shift. Slowly, she turned her face away from mine, breaking our eye contact and continued with her task.

"Carter!" came an excited voice to the left of me and Susan, complete with santa hat, sprang across the room and enveloped me in a hug. As she pulled away, the only comment I could blurt out was, "why is Abby wearing a lab coat?"

"Gee, it's great to see you too," she jested, smiling.

I shook my head, bringing myself back to reality. "Sorry, hi."

"Hi," she replied before answering my question. "She went back to med school."

"What?" I exclaimed.

"Abby went back to medical school," Susan reiterated, knowing full well I'd heard her perfectly the first time. I mused briefly over how Abby had managed to find the money, knowing that was something which had discouraged her returning previously. However, I found myself feeling proud of her. I glanced over in her direction. She was writing on the board, which had been trimmed with tinsel for the holiday season. It was Christmas Eve but Abby didn't appear to be enjoying the festivities like the rest of the staff. In fact, she looked about as miserable as I felt.

"So how was Africa?" Susan questioned, pulling me out of my reverie.

"Umm, hot," I replied absent-mindedly, "and pretty intense. Sorry Susan, I need to go…" I gestured to my jacket and bag before drifting away from her and into the lounge.

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I stood stature in the drug lock up, clean forgetting why I'd gone in there. I'd been envisaging this moment for months. I'd imagined that when Carter finally returned there'd be a hundred and one things I'd want to say to him. But now he was back, I found I actually had nothing to say. I could only enjoy the sharp relief I'd felt at seeing him walk through the door unhurt, healthy, alive.

"Do you have the keys?" Susan asked, startling me.

I turned them over to her and she proceeded to open the cabinet and remove some ceftriaxone.

"Carter's back," she stated bluntly.

"So I see," I replied quietly.

"He missed you," she said matter-of-factly.

I made a derisive noise.

"He didn't say so," she continued unabated, "but he didn't need to, all he could ask was about you. I told him you're back in med school."

I looked up at her sharply. 

"What did he say?" I was curious despite myself.

"Not much, he was too busy staring at you."

At that she locked the cabinet, gave me a pointed look and handed me the keys.

"Labs are back on the kid in five," she informed me, before walking away and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

When I headed back to the desk I cringed slightly as I noticed Carter was stood talking to Pratt there. However, my ears pricked up as I caught part of their conversation.

"I thought you guys broke up anyhow."

"Umm, yeah… sorta," Carter consented.

"Sorta? There ain't no sorta about that letter you sent," Pratt remarked.

"You read my letter?" Carter asked, surprised.

"Me and everyone else in the department," Pratt stated.

I felt the time had come to let my presence be known.

"Frank stole it out of the trash," I said coolly, breezing past them to pick up my lab slip.

I saw Carter nod contemplatively out of the corner of my eye.

I grabbed the necessary materials and headed for curtain five, not wanting to remain there any longer than required.

As I walked away I heard Pratt remark, "she be mad at you."

And Carter respond, "Yes, so it would seem."

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I trudged up the stairs to my apartment. So Abby had thrown away my letter. Not that I blamed her, I shuddered to think what I'd written back then. I turned the key in the lock and stepped into the cold, dark apartment. Automatically, I switched the coffee pot on before slumping down on the couch. I closed my eyes but all I could see was Abby's astonished face on my return, her expression encompassing a whole range of emotions, from anger through hurt. 

Haunted by the image, I took the remote and idly channel surfed for a few moments. Nothing was able to hold my attention and so realizing the attempt at distraction was futile, I switched off the TV. 

A considerable amount of mail had accumulated during my absence and so I figured, seeing how insomnia would inevitably win out tonight, this was as good a time as any to rifle through it all. And there amongst the bills and promises of better cell phone deals, were a packet of photos I'd sent off for developing way-back-when. There was a distinct sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach which I knew last night's chinese couldn't be held accountable for. 

Delicately, I opened the packet and it was as I had feared, most of the roll was photographs of her. There were pictures of her looking exasperated as I finished the film off on her. There were pictures from her birthday when I'd surprised her with a trip to Disneyland. Then, at the bottom of the pack, I found pictures from a year ago- last Christmas. Susan had thrown a Christmas party and I'd taken my camera along. Chuny had captured said camera and insisted on taking several shots of Abby and myself. And in my hands were the results. A picture of Abby looking quizzically at the snow globe she'd been bought. A snap of us staring at each other almost comically. A shot of us together on the sofa, my arms lightly around Abby's waist. 

I bit my lip slightly. 

A picture of us sat beside one another, fingers entwined. I don't remember that one being taken. And the final snap- Abby and myself kissing under the mistletoe. I was torn between smiling and sobbing at the memory. I remembered Susan begging us to participate in this Christmas tradition but I hadn't noticed the photo being taken. It was a beautiful tableau. My hands were resting on Abby's waist and her arms were tangled about my neck. Her hair was falling around her face, framing it, and her lips were gently caressing mine. And that was the moment I realized just what I'd thrown away. 

As I sat there silently, staring at the picture in my hands with a solitary tear cascading down my cheek, I knew I'd blown it. I'd pushed away my the only woman I'd ever loved. The woman I _still_ love.

I remained seated for several minutes, berating myself on having been so foolish and facing up to my reality- the prospect of Christmas alone. This depressed me, especially after the wonderful time I'd had the previous year. And this would be my first Christmas without Gamma. It seemed like all the important people in my life were suddenly disappearing. I couldn't alter Gamma's fate, I wasn't responsible for that. But Abby… I'd taken her out of my life. It was my fault. 

I stared at the solitary reindeer seated on top of the TV- the lone token recognizing the holiday. Abby had given me it last year and not having had time to buy a tree I'd dug it out the night before. He sat there happily, his thin legs dangling over the screen, a bemused expression on his face.

At that point a different emotion came over me, one that overwhelmed my sadness. Determination. Suddenly I was resolved. I wasn't going to sit back and lose my best friend. This was my mistake and I was going to correct it. I was going to win Abby back, or give it my best shot at least. As a plan began to formulate in my mind, a smile grew on my lips, the first genuine smile I'd had in a long time.

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Sighing, I stumbled into my apartment. I hadn't been able to do a thing right all day. Not since a certain someone had walked through the ambulance entrance. I'd intended revising trigeminal nerve divisions and maybe some bacterial pathogens (I'd missed a diagnosis of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever earlier) but knew I couldn't concentrate. Maybe Susan would have another mnemonic up her sleeve. Instead I had an appointment with my couch and maybe a glass or so of the Chardonnay I'd picked up on the way home…

...I glanced at my watch and screwed my face up: 2:56 a.m. Officially Christmas Day. And I still hadn't touched a drop of the white wine innocently standing on my kitchen table.

It was getting chilly and I snuggled down deeper under the blanket sprawled across me, longing for a warmth I knew it wasn't able to give.

And then I heard a tapping. It was so unexpected that it took me a moment to recognize it as someone knocking on the door. I crossed the room and unlocked it cautiously.

"Carter!" I exclaimed, "How did you get into the building?"

"Shh," he hushed me, his eyes imploring me to keep taciturn.

"John, I really don't wanna…," I began, before being abruptly halted by Carter's soft fingers against my lips.

Taking advantage of my stunned silence, he held up a white poster board with the words, "**I HAD AN EPIPHANY**" written on it in black pen.

With my heart pounding in my chest, all I could do was stand and watch as he presented his little show, slowly turning over board after board…

"**I AM AN IDIOT**"

"**TO HURT YOU**"

"**OR THINK I COULD EVER WANT ANYONE OTHER THAN…**"

He held up a picture of me, sitting cross-legged, smiling.

He continued…

"**WHEN YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING**"

"**AND MY LETTER WAS CRUEL**"

"**AND I SHOULD BE FED TO THE DOGS**"

"**OR MAYBE THE LIONS**"

"**OR PERHAPS EVEN…**"

At this he held up Dr. Romano's picture.

"**BUT NOT BEING WITH YOU**"

"**IS TEARING ME APART**"

"**AND ALTHOUGH I KNOW FORGIVING ME**"

"**IS THE FARTHEST THING FROM YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW**"

"**(ESPECIALLY AT 3A.M.)**"

"**AND YOU JUST PROBABLY WANT TO SEE THIS…**"

A picture of Carter's back, him turned around, walking away.

"**FOR NOW, LET ME SAY**"

"**JUST BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS**"

"**(AND AT CHRISTMAS YOU TELL THE TRUTH)**"

"**TO ME, YOU ARE PERFECT**"

"**I LOVE YOU**"

"**AND I STILL WANT TO MARRY YOU**"

And to this final card was attached a piece of jewellery I'd seen once before and had believed I would never see again- the ring he'd had at the restaurant, the _engagement_ ring.

It took me a moment to find my voice and when I did it was weak, my lips trembling.

"Is that it?" I sighed wearily, "'cause it's late Carter," and with that I closed the door.

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I stared numbly at the hard wood of Abby's door. She'd rejected me. She had every right to of course, but I'd been hoping against hope that my little presentation would bring her around. 

I don't remember leaving her building but I must have as I recall walking out into the icy air, the first flakes of snow falling around me. Perhaps we would have a white Christmas just to spite the weather forecasters.

But snow didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Abby didn't love me. That was my reality.

I paused at a garbage can and deposited the boards one by one, each making a satisfactory "clunk" on hitting the base. I pondered over the last board and removed the ring. I held it in my hand tightly. But what use was it now? If it hadn't have been Gamma's ring I wouldn't have thought twice about tossing it in the trash with the rest, but seeing how it was, I pocketed it and after one last glance at Abby's building, shuffled along the street.

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I leant against the door breathing heavily, hot tears streaming down my face. How had he gotten into the building? How had he the nerve to visit me in the middle of the night after that abominable letter? And had he really loved me all along despite everything? Just as I had him.

The poster boards flashed like a slide show through my mind and I found that any residual anger or resentment towards Carter had vanished. My mind could only focus on those last few cards.

"**TO ME, YOU ARE PERFECT**"

"**I LOVE YOU**"

"**AND I STILL WANT TO MARRY YOU**"

I walked over to my little Christmas tree near the sofa. It was adorned with tinsel, angel hair and a host of decorations. A precious few dated back to my childhood, to the rare happy Christmases I'd shared with my family. Under the branches lay presents I'd been given, the shiny wrapping reflecting the little twinkling lights. But despite my best efforts the tree still looked bare. As did the rest of my apartment. There was one integral part missing.

And then I had my own epiphany. If I was ever going to be truly happy and content in life I was going to have to do something active. I'd have to put my pride and fears up on the shelf and stop thinking so much. I needed to start feeling. And as soon as I did that there were no questions to answer, no decisions to be made. I flung open the door and ran.

As soon as I was outside I spotted him in a heartbeat, on his knees in the middle of the street, snow falling around him.

"John!" I screamed, "John!"

Slowly, steadily, he stood up and pivoted around.

I sprinted to his side, tears blurring my vision.

"I don't wanna wake up alone tomorrow," I moaned, barely above a whisper, "and I can't watch you walk out of my life again."

His eyes were filled with tears and he lifted a thumb to brush away some of my own.

"What are you saying?" he asked croakily.

"I'm saying I hope that ring fits," I replied shakily, before reaching up and kissing him hungrily, interrupted sporadically by my choking sobs.

Carter pulled away and took the ring from his jacket pocket before delicately placing it on my finger.

"It belonged to my grandmother," he explained, "she told me to give it, or not, to whoever I choose."

I looked up at him, eyes shining.

"I choose you Abby," he continued, "Merry Christmas."

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Author's Note: Come on, you didn't think I'd end it unhappily did you? It's Christmas! And despite Noody's suggestions I fet a little fuzz was necessary! There's a little power-point thingy of the poster boards I made with Noody during the writing process. If anyone wants it sending- drop me an e-mail.Also the time 2:56 is pure coincidence- I looked at my watch whilst writing and it was 2:56 a.m. so that's the time I used, it's not a deliberate Lucy shout out.

THANKS BE TO: **Noody**- who partially wrote this fic in all honesty, for her help with the poster board sequence and for angsting it up a little!

****

Gooders- for supporting the idea of a happy ending!

The movie **"LOVE ACTUALLY"** for inspiration (and blatant plagerism), special thanks to** Andrew Lincoln** for being particularly yummy in his role as Mark.

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Mr. Shakespeare for the title (it's the alternative title of "Twelfth Night" the night before the epiphany...).

And last, but by no means least, to **Jack Orman** (a.k.a. OrmanGod) for creating Carby in the first place.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!


End file.
